Rediscovering myself

Original image by Greg Rakozy

The end of 2015 has come to a close which naturally has one reflecting and setting goals for the new year. Many of these said goals will fall by the wayside a few weeks in. 2015 had its up and downs for me. The pros: I moved in with Cory. I’ve never lived with anyone other than family, and so it’s definitely added a new dynamic to our relationship. I also started a new job that I love. The cons: Mom had a health scare and Dad’s health is still up in the air.

The pros aside, I feel I’ve stayed rather stagnate. For the most part, I can tell you what most weeks are going to consist of, because I’ve definitely fallen into a routine. It’s no one’s fault other than my own. Cory and I were talking a couple nights ago and he asked me: What is my thing? Meaning: what are my hobbies? It was a bit of a wakeup call because I simply said, “I don’t know what my thing is” and started crying.  

I love watching “beauty gurus” on Youtube, is that a thing? I do love makeup and that’s probably the closest thing to a hobby that I actively participate in. I used to love traveling, even if I’m not the best travel companion, and I loved photography. During our recent trip to Miami, I didn’t take my camera because it just seemed like a hassle. I had my iPhone and that would be enough for a weekend trip, and even then I only took a handful of photos. This was my first time in Florida and at a beautiful beach, I should be obnoxious and posting lots of photos on social media. But I didn’t. I just didn’t feel like it. Which I’m noticing has become a trend this year. “I just don’t feel like it.” or just “Eh.. I’ll pass..”

So why do I feel this way? Why don’t I know what my thing is? I feel like I’ve narrowed it down to two things. I’ve been out of college for a while now, and I’m still in that student frame of mind, the frame of mind that I don’t have time for my hobbies and so I don’t pursue them. The other explanation could be the SSRI that I’m on. It has been amazing in some ways and not so amazing in others. Hello, weight gain and feeling emotionally blunted!

I suppose what I’m getting at is that I want to spend this year rediscovering myself. Life isn’t fun if you’re not enjoying it fully. I need to revisit things I used to love and I suppose I need to have a talk with my doctor about switching medicines or if it’s time to work on weening myself off of them. Here’s to a happy and healthy 2016.

2 thoughts on “Rediscovering myself”

  1. Anita says:

    Pam, I swear, we had the same year. I could have written this. My Beloved told me a few weeks ago that I seem to have lost my “passion”. The apathy the is/ was smothering me put me back to my doctor and got me my own SSRI recently. She had taken me off of it when I first saw her, that I feel, was the mistake.

    I, too, have put my camera down. Things just seem blah.

    I have set a date (like a smoker quit date) to get revved up with healthier eating- (didn’t we both feel so much better then?) and the weight was coming off, so my body probably appreciated the lighter load.

    Let’s make this our year…I wish you lived closer- I know we have never hung out, but we seem to be similar in a lot of ways.

    Sending you good vibes and prayers for some good changes!


    1. Pam says:

      Thanks so much for the comment Anita! You know, I’ve had a couple people tell me they could relate to this. It must’ve been something going on in this last year that made so many of us feel this way. I hope the medication she puts you on helps you.

      When is your start date to healthier eating? We both did feel so much better when we ate better and exercised. I’m hoping this new photo project gets me out exploring more. I’ve missed being outdoors and it’s easy to forget you’re exercising when you have a camera in hand. 🙂

      I’m always happy to come out to you on a weekend if you want to get together and just change. Sending you good vibes and thoughts your way. <3

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